Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
