she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
