17 year olds will be the death of me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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