I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
