he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
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He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
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she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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