all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
