just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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