I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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