I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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