Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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