I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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