I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im so drunk with asians
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
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Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.