I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
