apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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