I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
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I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
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Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts