Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
