yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
