Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
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I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
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I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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