he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just google imaged poop.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
