My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
