I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The power of my boobs compel you
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
