fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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