I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
