Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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