I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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