The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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