Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So many bounce houses so little time
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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