It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
