Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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