Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
