This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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