dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
