why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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