just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
