The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
