i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
