also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
