Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
