She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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