Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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