Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
