once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
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There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
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I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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