Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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