Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize