Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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