U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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