Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
