Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
