New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
