You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
