she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
