I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
