How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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