who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
