guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
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