She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
