you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You were trust falling into bushes
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
