Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
